not so itsy bitsy

So since I replaced our basement doorknob, we have stopped using the front door with the exception of retreiving packages from the porch. I don’t really ever think about it other than when I realized it was time to change wreaths. I have two wreaths that I switch out on the front door, a plain Pitt one and a vaguely American flag one. I keep the Flag-ish one up from Memorial Day to Labor Day and the Pitt one up otherwise. A few days after Labor Day, I was cleaning and remembered to change wreaths. I opened up the front door and was greeted by the remains of a gigantic spider web. I couldn’t see a spider, so I quickly changed wreaths and while I had the vacuum out, sucked up the web. Done and done.

The next day, I had some friends over and they came in the front door. The first to arrive was Sarah and she is rather short. Later, Seth and Ryan came and as Seth walks in the door, he said “I think I just walked into a spider web?”

“Oh man!” I said, “I just cleaned that off yesterday, I must have missed a bit!”

The night continues, games were played, beers were drank, Dr. Pepper pulled pork pierogie pretzel sliders were consumed.

oh yes. they were phenomenal.

oh yes. they were phenomenal.

I don’t know who the first one out the door was, but it was then that we realized the spider web was back. With the spider. Needless to say, everyone vacated through the basement and I only cracked the door enough to get this shot.




In just a few hours, Mr. Spider had rebuilt his massive web. It covered the entire width of the doorway, so at least 3 feet wide, probably 3 feet tall. And that is totally the spider in the middle. HUGE.

The next day, I very bravely (stupidly) opened the door to see if he was still there. He was.


I am not exaggerating when I say that was the biggest spider I have ever seen. His body was probably the size of a nickel, but round, bulbous, disgusting.

Keith refused to kill it for me, for whatever reason. I spent 8$ on a bottle of spider/scorpian Raid but was too afraid to use it. Then we went on vacation and I pushed the spider out of my mind.

When we got back, there was a package on the front door so I had to open the front door. I scooped up the package and glanced up as I did. “Oh, spider web looks mostly gone, Mr. Spider must have moved!” (FORESHADOWING)

Just as I go to shut the door, Mr. Spider makes a break for it and RUNS into the house. I was shoeless at the time, spun around, grabbed a shoe just as he hightails (highlegs? *shudder*) it into the living room and zoomed right under the door into a closet.

Now I don’t know what to do. There is NO WAY I am opening that closet to try to find him. There is also NO WAY I am just leaving him alone. There are a few things in the closet, but nothing I ever use, so I grabbed the first thing I could find (some plastic bags) and jammed them under the crack in the door.


So…uhh…anybody know how long a spider can live without food or water? Should I just burn down the house and start again?


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  1. Yes, I’m pretty sure I walked right under the remains of that, no problem.

    i still remember one time in middle school, talking on the phone with you and suddenly you emitted these piercing shrieks and started screaming for Ross and Sam to come and kill it! I’m like what’s going on? You said “I’m standing on a chair right now in my kitchen, there’s a spider!” Then you sounded like you were almost crying. Hahaha.

  2. Anonymous

     /  September 28, 2013

    I feel for you! I would spray the Raid inside the closet… lots of it, then put the plastic bags back. Maybe Kirk will come over and spider rangle for you… NOT!!!


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