captain anxiety

So. life. I don’t know. I keep trying to write a blog post and giving up before I even get one sentence down. I’m pretty much anxiety personified these days. Anxious about school and work and money. I had a midterm two weeks ago and cried when I got into my car after because it was so difficult. And then I got the test back last week and cried again because I did so terrible. I’ve had some difficult classes but I have never had a class where I am as lost as I am in this one. Like I literally have had no idea what was going on for the past ~8 weeks. None. And I can’t even go to any sort of Office Hours because of my work schedule. Everyone did so poorly on the midterm that he gave an extra 10 points, but I did so poorly that those extra 10 points pretty much didn’t help at all. I will be lucky if I end up with a C in this stupid class. (Remote sensing. Never take it.)

So…anxious about that.

Anxious about the fact that since I am less than part time this semester my student loans have come due.

I got a pretty decent raise when I took this new job. An extra $X per month. And my student loans are going got cost me $X + $75 per month. Which is just wonderful. It’s better than not getting a raise and needing to come up with that money but it’s also a complete bummer that I will have no chance to enjoy a little cushion. After the wedding and buying a car and paying for this honeymoon, I am wiped out financially and it sucks.

I am the most anxious about the job. Pretty much every moment I’m not at work, I’m worrying about work. I am pretty sure I have dreamt about work every night for the past 4 weeks. Once I get there, I am fine and busy and do my work and come home. But as soon as I get in the car my mind starts going. What did I do wrong today. What am I going to do wrong tomorrow.  How will I handle xyz scenario.

It’s stressful. I have to make it a point to tell myself multiple times a day to stop thinking about work. Which also means I have no desire to talk about work. People keep asking me how it’s going and I pretty much can only say “It’s okay” or “It’s really busy.” I don’t love it or hate it, I’m just trying to keep my head above water.

I’m sure Keith loves this new development of me not wanting to talk about work. He never wants to talk about work, so much so that 5.5 years later I still pretty much have no idea what he does every day. I used to always tell him work stories whether he cared or not. After all, I’m spending 40 hours a week there, there’s not much else I do in a week for that much time. Except sleep. But he also won’t humor my dream retellings so I’m striking out all over the place.

But I don’t know. It’s weird to say “I hope it gets better” because it’s not bad, I just hope I get more comfortable. 90% of my job is working independently, which is fine because I am self-motivated and work well on my own but it’s also a bit lonely. I still don’t really know anyone. The people I interact most with are my boss and we can’t be friends and the people under me and we can’t be friends. I also don’t really even want/need friends, I’d just like to know who I can tell a joke to – #1 thing I miss about my last job: we laughed A LOT.

So in order to end this on a positive note the 3 best things about my new job:

1. I have an office. I can shut the door, I can play music, I can turn the heat up or the air on  and the door locks and it’s just a sweet slice of privacy that I have never had at any other job.

2. I can get up and go to the bathroom whenever I want. Now this might sound ridiculous but every other job I’ve had in ~14 years required either asking permission or getting someone to cover me to run to the bathroom. At my last job if one of the other people were at their desks, I could get up and go but often I was stuck waiting for someone to come back from fsm knows where. The sweet freedom of getting up to pee whenever I feel like it is pathetic and yet wonderful.

3. Even though my commute sucks I’ve been catching some pretty sweet sunrises. Although the time change is about to happen and that will end…soooo whatever.

I was feeling better about all of this (I wrote most of this post over the weekend, but then I got a crappy email at like 4:21 and I feel all terrible again.)

Asi es la vida.

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1 Comment

  1. I know all too well about the blog block. I finally started reposting. I am a much happier person since I restarted.

    Trying to go to school, work and live can be sooo difficult. Just know you rock!


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